HOW TO AVOID GETTING DIVORCE (FOUR METHODS)

Date:- 21.06.2016

If your marriage has been in a tailspin, you or your spouse might be considering divorce. But it’s never too late to turn your marriage around. Changing yourself and the nature of your relationship will help you recover a healthy, fulfilling marriage.

                     METHOD ONE:- WORKING ON YOU

1. Listen to you Partner:-

Open and honest communication is crucial for a good marriage. Listen patiently when your partner comes to you with problems or concerns about your relationship. Being attentive in conversation will help you understand what makes them unhappy and give you a chance to take action. 

• If you have questions about what you can do to make your partner happier and more satisfied, you should feel free to ask them.
• Expect your partner to listen to you with an equal amount of respect.
• If your partner is verbally abusive, belittling, or refuses to engage in conversation, let them know how their behavior makes you feel – hopeless, alone, and dejected. 

2. Stay Positive:-

Your spouse fell in love with a happy and emotionally balanced person. If you have become exhausted by conflict in the relationship or no longer feel your marriage is salvageable, take a step back. It’s natural to feel down about conflicts in your relationship, but try to focus on the big picture. When you feel depressed about the state of your relationship, think back on all the good times you’ve had with your spouse.

• Your happiness should not be dependent on the other person. Focus on being the best you can be, even if your partner is not.
• If you expect the worst from your partner, you’re more likely to see and focus on your conflicts and problems. Try to be attentive to subtle, positive changes in how you and your partner interact. Share these positive changes with your partner.

3. Be Flexible:- 

Don’t demand that everything be done your way. Marriage is a cooperative partnership. Neither of you will get your way all the time. If you and your partner have different goals and ideas -- whether its about where to move or where to dine -- hear each other out.

• Have conversations, not monologues. Listen to your partner and expect that he or she will listen to you.
• Let certain things go. Imagine that you wanted chicken but she made soup, or you wanted to see a play but he insists on going to the ball game. In either case, and with either decision, life goes on. Pick your battles and let the trivial stuff go.
• Being flexible doesn’t mean your spouse should walk all over you. There are times when the decision not to make concessions is the right one.

4. Keep Up Appearance:-

While physical attraction is only one part of love, in our visual culture, it plays an important role in how we think about and relate to our partner. When you go out with your spouse, dress nicely to show that you consider your time together special. Take care of your health, too. Eat a nutritious, balanced diet with lots of fruit and vegetables. Aim for thirty minutes of exercise each day. Dressing well and taking care of your appearance will keep your partner attracted to you.

5. Practice Healthy Communication:- 

Only speak to your partner when you are in a mood and state appropriate to do so. Do not yell at your spouse. If you feel anger building on your side or your spouse’s, suggest that you both take some time out to cool off and resume the conversation later.

• Avoid trigger topics, the issues and problems which lead you and your spouse to bicker.
• Communicate only while sober and rested.

6. Balance Your Time:- 

Healthy couples should spend time together as well as apart. Catch a movie, play mini-golf, go bowling – whatever it is you both enjoy doing, do it together. Try new things and have adventures that you can bond over. But when you need some alone time to recharge, let your partner know. You and your partner are not clones, and won’t be interested in all the same activities. Give each other space to pursue the hobbies and interests you each enjoy.

• Try to set aside specific days or time periods for date nights.
• In addition to spending time alone, spend time with your friends.

7. Stay Loyal to your Spouse:-

It might seem tempting to have a brief fling or an extended affair with someone who gives you the attention and affection that your spouse won’t. But remember, your spouse, not your fling, is your family. Violating the bond of marriage can propel you toward divorce and leave you feeling guilty.

• Identify situations or individuals you know may lead you to infidelity and avoid them wherever possible.

                    METHOD TWO:- ACCEPTING YOUR PARTNER

1. See them as they are:-  

There are always two versions of a person: the person they are, and the person you see them as. Sometimes these two identities are closely in alignment, while other times they are not. It is important to recognize your partner’s faults and flaws, but also to recognize their good qualities. When you find yourself obsessing over their deficiencies, remind yourself of how sweet, thoughtful, and affectionate they can be. Give your partner a fair hearing when they insist they can and will change, and be open to the possibility of their doing so.

• Demanding that the other person change will not make them or you happy. They will feel trapped by your demands, and you will feel frustrated by the lack of change.
• Do not compare your partner with anyone else.

2. Focus on your Partners good quality:- 

Think back to when you first met and fell in love with your spouse. Reminiscing about these good times will help you see their good side more clearly in the present. If you’re constantly on the lookout for your partner’s flaws, instead of their positive qualities, you will see them in abundance.

3. Empathize with your partner:-

Put yourself in your spouse position. Do you treat them with the same level of respect that you expect for yourself? How do you feel when someone wants you to make a drastic (or even a minor) change to your personality? Most of us resist hearing that we are doing something wrong or irritating. We become defensive, hurt, and angry.

• Understanding how and why your spouse reacts to criticism will help you soften your approach. Explaining that you feel attacked or hurt by their demands will, in turn, help them soften theirs.

4. Think about the big picture:- 

Nobody is perfect. You and your spouse need to be honest with each other and with yourselves about what qualities, habits, or idiosyncrasies are truly grounds for divorce, and which are merely irritating or inconvenient. You may think your spouse snores too loudly; walks like a duck; makes too many grammatical errors; or is a shabby dresser. But these things don’t have to mean an end to your marriage. Understanding your partner’s limitations and flaws, as well as your own, is an important step towards recovering a happy marriage.

5. Accept yourself:- 

Often, our judgmental attitude of other comes from a feeling of disappointment with ourselves. Search your feelings as to why you have such high expectations of your spouse, or why you demand so much of them. Is it because you are not completely content with yourself personally or professionally? If so, it will be difficult for you to accept others as well.

• Lower your expectations of yourself to a realistic level and recognize that you and your spouse are both flawed in your own ways.
• Do not expect your spouse alone to provide feelings of fulfillment.

                        METHOD THREE:- WORKING TOGETHER

1. Reinvigorate your Sex Life:- 

Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. With the possibility of divorce close at hand, it may be difficult to have a good sex life. But physical and emotional intimacy go hand in hand, and both are equally important if you hope to stave off divorce.

• Make time for romance. Everyone is busy, but scheduling date nights will give you time to set the mood. Try a romantic candle-lit dinner (either at a restaurant or at home), see a movie, or just go bowling. Before you head to the bedroom, though, it is important to give your spouse the love and attention they have been missing. Tell them you love them and enjoy spending time with them.
• Place scented candles and flowers around the bedroom. Massage your partner’s hands, feet, and shoulders prior to intercourse. Arousing the senses can be an important first step toward reigniting your partner’s libido.
• If you feel your sex life is stale, try new positions or try wearing lingerie. You could try reading erotica to one another, or watching porn. Take turns leading the session on alternate nights to ensure maximum variety.

2. Talk about your dreams and desires:- 

In addition to communicating about everyday needs and situations (“We need to do the laundry”), it is important to share your deepest fears, hopes, and dreams with your partner to build emotional intimacy. Use phrases like “I believe...” or “I hope...” when presenting your vision of your and your spouse’s future. Thinking about and sharing these thoughts and feelings can help you both realize that there are possibilities for your marriage beyond divorce.

• Ask questions of both yourself and your spouse such as:
  • What great things do I think my spouse is capable of? How can I empower them to achieve their best?
  • Where would I like to travel to with my spouse?
  • What am I looking forward to doing with my spouse when I retire?
• Invite your spouse to share his or her dreams and desires as well. Thinking and talking about your future together helps rectify it.
• Do not use these conversations to complain or engage in negative thinking.

3. Identify what needs to change:- 

If you’re considering divorce, it’s likely there are real problems for which both of you are partially to blame. Don’t blame your partner for all the problems in your marriage. Have a dialogue with your spouse so you can come to a mutual understanding of what has gone wrong, and how it can be fixed.

• Express the problems you perceive with “I” statements, as in “I wish we spent more time together,” as opposed to “You never want to spend time with me.” These are less likely to be perceived as critical and will produce more positive results.
• When blamed unfairly, defend yourself, but don’t counterattack when criticized. Try to see the conflict from your spouse’s point of view.

4. Strengthen your connection with your spouse:- 

Be generous with your partner in your affections and compliments. This will help rekindle the love you once had together. Fulfill their emotional needs first as well as their material ones. Love your partner the way you want to be loved.

• Tell your spouse you love them every day.
• Surprise your spouse with little gifts that they’ll enjoy. Make dinner for them, buy them flowers, or take them shopping.
• It may take time to rebuild trust and affection for your partner. Be patient and continue to work at it.

5. Let go of the past:- 

Talk with your partner about occasions when they hurt or upset you. If you wish, write the list down. This should not be a complete list, but it should include the most painful memories or experiences that you and your partner have held onto, and which have inspired mutual resentment. You and your partner will likely have different lists. Talk about each incident in turn. Each of you should acknowledge how you contributed to the misunderstanding and apologize.

• Practice forgiveness even if your partner will not.

6. Be open to change:- 

Agree to make changes in your routines or interaction if you feel it will help. Make it clear that you will try your best, but it might take you some time to get used to them. Then, really try your best in implementing the promised changes and show that you are sincere. Ask the same in return.

7. Seek counselling:- 

Couples counselling with a therapist will help you work through the problems with a neutral mediator. The therapist provides an objective point of view and can offer advice on communication strategies, conflict resolution, and general guidance on improving a problematic marriage.

• Couples counselling usually lasts one hour, once a week. Working more often with the counselor might yield more results.
• Group therapy is another useful type of counselling, and introduces couples going through similar periods of stress to each other for an extended discussion about how they are working through their issues. Group therapy provides the opportunity to gain new understandings and ideas about your own relationship.

                       METHOD FOUR:- TRYING SEPARATION

1. Suggest a trial separation:-  

A trial separation is an informal period of separation during which the couple temporarily separates. This gives each party a chance to examine their feelings and lives away from the constant influence and presence of the other. Trial separations could help you and your spouse remember how much you miss and need each other. “Distance makes the heart grow fonder,” as the old saying goes.

• Your spouse may not be open to the idea of trial separation. Explain to them how beneficial it would be to mutually “take a break” and have some time to think through what you both really want from the marriage.

2. Decide how long stay separately:- 

Between three and six months is the ideal trial separation period. A longer period may make it difficult to reconcile with other person as both you and your spouse begin to settle into the single life.

3. Set the terms:- 

When you move forward with a trial separation, there are a number of financial and lifestyle questions you both need to agree upon. Put the terms of the separation in writing so as to avoid any confusion between you and your spouse. Important questions to ask include:

• Are both of you moving out? Or just one?
• Where will each of you go?
• Will bank accounts need to be divided or shared? Credit cards?

4. think about your kids:-

If you have children, make sure you are open about the process with them. Help your children understand the situation and let them know that despite the conflict between you and your spouse, both of you still love them.^[27]

• Children may react badly to the trial separation. They may become clingy or refuse to go to school. Older kids and teens may become withdrawn or angry. Talk to your child’s teachers about your home situation so they can look for signs that your child may be acting out.
• Children may believe something they have done caused the separation. Let them know that the situation between you and your spouse is not their fault and nothing they have done could cause it.
• Arrange appropriate care and visitation schedules for your children. Try not to ship your children back and forth from one household to another more than once a week, and ensure that their schooling is not interrupted.

5. Use your time wisely:-

Whatever was causing your domestic problems initially, it will not fix itself simply because you and your spouse are separated. Whether you proposed or opposed the trial separation, talk to a therapist about how and why your marriage ended up in its current state.

• Ideally, you would continue attending couples therapy even while you live separately. A trial separation should not be a complete shutdown of communication between you and your spouse. Work on sorting out your differences with the help of a counselor.
• Do not use the trial period to pretend you are single. Do not date other people or engage in romantic flings. The goal of the trial period is to find a new perspective on your relationship that only distance can bring.

6. Arrive at Decision:- 

As the end of the trial period approaches, evaluate your experience. Are the problems in your relationship really insurmountable? Or did the trial separation demonstrate that you miss and love your spouse so much that divorce would be disastrous? Talk with your spouse about your feelings and elicit theirs.

• It may be that you and your spouse do not reach the same conclusion about the state of your marriage. Be prepared to move forward with a divorce at the end of the trial separation if either of you deem it necessary.

Advice:- 

• You should not try to fix a broken relationship. If your spouse has physically harmed you, your children, or your family, or acted aggressively in any way, divorce is the best option. *Seek immediate protection from physical harm. Contact your local shelter, police, family, or friends and tell them you need help.
• Don't feel obligated to stay married for the sake of your children.
• Don’t discount divorce altogether. Some people just aren't compatible together.

SEXUAL ATTRACTION AND LOVE:- A DEEP ANALYSIS IS NEEDED TO AVOID MOST OCCURRED CRIMES

DATE:- 13.06.2016

Preface:  

Is Sexual attraction really a Love? 

Can you differentiate between Love and Sexual Attraction along with analysis of both situations? 

It is need of the time. In the teen age, youngsters often attract towards each other. A good looking face, smart guy, costly mobiles, long drive on motorbikes & motorcars, expansive shopping at shopping malls, night club parties,  fashionable apparels etc. are the high expecting dreams of teenagers. These things may attract somebody at the first instance but we did not apply our mind to think what is wrong or right. The basic reason is that we attract towards these material things without making any analysis of this attraction. Even most of the teenagers do not shy to accept sex before marriage. They treat with sex just like as a play without bothering worst consequences. Attraction towards good looking faces, smart way of talking by some body, girls indulge in modern life style is just starting of a blunder mistake which after wards turns your whole life into darkness.

Now-a-days, it becomes a culture that youngsters studying in universities or colleges and adults working in the offices attracts towards somebody having opposite sex of them due to various reasons. They think that they fall in love with that person and their mind stop thinking about all other things but only that person. Mostly person fails to identify that it is not a perfect love and do the common mistake.

Youngsters like to wear fancy clothes and indulge themselves in the life style of fashion to look smart and beautiful. Boys used to purchase expensive and branded clothes to impress to the girls to whom they like. Girls spent more than half a day to wear designer clothes, make-up their faces, designing and shading the hairs, to wear costly jewellery etc. instead of spending their valuable time in other useful activities. I am not straight forward criticizing these things, but I want to say that these activities should be done in a restrictive manner. By this article, I just want to indulge everybody (mainly the youngsters) into the deep study of Love and Sexual attraction, which I think, may help us to control the increasing crime rate in our Country. It is need of the time to think over this issue by the youngsters, who themselves are the main victims of the today’s crimes.

Sexual Appeal & Meaning of Love:

Do you know what Love is? Sexual attraction is not love at all. Love is meant to understand the other, to help the other, to sacrifice everything for somebody else, to lose the game of life for others, to surrender our self physically and psychologically in the custody of another person, to stop using the mind & to start listening to our heart only, to adjust with another, to add somebody into your thoughts, mind and in your whole life. Love is meant that you & your love are one but all things may or may not happen in the case of sexual attraction.  You may attract towards a beautiful looking girl or a smart guy or somebody may attract towards you due to your good features. But this attraction turns into love or not, it cannot be said in plain words at the first instance. Mostly we fail to make a difference between love and sexual attraction, which results into dire consequences. It is not necessary for a boy that he will love to a beautiful girl, a modern girl, a girl influenced by the European culture or girl wearing transparent clothes or short skirts but he may attracts sexually towards her. This is the same case for girls also and it is not necessary that a girl must love to a boy who is smart & young, a boy wearing branded clothes, a boy having expensive motorbike or car but she may also attracts sexually towards his good looking body physique. The philosophy of Love is totally different. Increasing tendency of marriage breakdowns and other related crimes & issues can be controlled by this study. The Society can be saved to be ruin in the colours of marriage breakdowns and other related issues.

The inability of differentiation between Love and Sexual Attraction is affecting the society in many ways. One is more and more people are becoming victims of this disease, second is the purity of Love is lessening day by day. Love cannot be compared by shrink values. The place of theory of Love is very high. You may love to any person i.e. your life partner, your parents, your Childs, your assets & property etc. In case of Love with your life partner, you must be sure that it should be pure love only and not just sexual attraction. Sexual attraction may turns into love but only after passing a long time.   

Love at first Sight: 

Normally it is presumed that we cannot forget our first love, I want to add in these lines that it must be love and love only and not the sexual attraction. Whenever we see a new face and attracts towards him/ her due to his/ her good appearance or good way of talking, we assumes that we fall in love at first sight, but it not so. We attracted towards that person only due to the good looking features or good personality of that person. According to my views, you cannot love a person without understanding him/ her. Until and unless you did not spent some time with other, did not try to understand that other person and did not have any feeling of sacrifice for that other person to whom your heart claims to be your love, love may not happen in actual.

Inability to differentiate Love and sexual attraction: 

There are several reasons, which make us unable to differentiate between love and sexual attraction. One is teenage and second is lack of control on our mind. It is very clear that we are not fully able to take the important decisions of our life at teenage and very often we do the common mistake. We have a little experience of life at our teenage and our mind is not static. We fail to check that what is right or wrong due to immaturity.     

Some Guys, Girls ruin their career due to this immaturity and due to any mistake done in the influence of love, which is sexual attraction only and not love in actual.

Work place environments: 

Sexual attraction is main root cause of sexual harassment at work place also. In today work places, men and women are working together at the same offices and mostly women so working are victims of the sexual harassment at work place. Even some people did not want to understand that “yes means yes” & “no means no” and they engaged to exploit to the women and takes undue benefit of their dominion position. Modesty is the property of the women and no one is allowed to outrage the modesty of any women. The same is punishable also under sec – 354 of IPC.

Social Approach: 

Marriage breakdowns, extra marital affairs, love affairs prior to marriage and sex before marriage, live in relationships etc are some factors which defame our self in the society. There is a steep rise in the cases of mental tension, depression, heart attack, suicides etc due to the above factors. These factors degrade one person or his/ her family in the society.

Rising in marriage breakdown: 

According to the govt. data, divorcee cases/ marriage breakdown cases increased in multiple no’s in last few years. Love marriages are more prone to these accidents. This does not mean that I am against the love marriages, but the decision taken hastily by the youngsters without applying any practical mind results into failure of marriages. Although the situation is more adverse in the arrange marriages. No chance to understand your partner prior to your marriage have many cons. Surrender yourself to a stranger for the whole life may turns your life into worst situations.

Live in relationship & same sex marriage: 

My theory without touching these topics is incomplete. Sometimes I compelled to think that, “whether we are moving in a right direction”? The answer is not so simple and it needs a separate study in detail and covers many aspects of wrong evils of our society. Here I want to make a brief reference to this approach. Live in relationship, same sex marriage, sex before marriages are on high demands by new generations. Youth is agitating on roads to legalize these acts throughout the India. Is it right direction? Is it our culture? Should we move ahead in this direction by labelling this as a modern society or the demand of open mind society? Youngsters want to live in boundaryless society, but by this they are giving birth to many other worst evils in the same society. How can these new issues be settle, it is debateable on the national table.  

Sexual Education: 

It is the need of the time to provide the sexual education along with psychological aspect to the youngsters which makes them enable to differentiate between right or wrong. Sexual education helps to the youngsters to save themselves from serious diseases related to sexual problems, AIDS etc and give awareness on the related issues.

Legal Approach: 

Inability of making differentiation between love and sexual attraction give births to many wrong evils, which results into crimes. Sexual harassment at workplace, acid attack, outraging of modesty, marriage breakdowns, illegitimate Child's and issues related to their legitimacy & their property rights, suicide cases etc are all by-products of this inefficiency or immaturity. If we try to understand this concept and make our society enable to understand this philosophy, then we can curb crimes up to some extent. But there is much need of work to be done in this direction. We should arrange national seminars & group discussions in the Colleges, provide sexual education with psychological aspect to the youngsters, make our laws more stringent to nail these issues. 

These are my personal views and I want national attention on this issue.

Reference:- Lawyers Club Of India

ARE WE REALLY FREE AND ENJOYING OUR LIBRTY...???? (Article 21)

Date:- 03.06.2016

Article 21 is the milestone to the Indian constitution. Among all the fundamental rights, it is considered as one of the most important and unique. It not only provides us the right to move freely but also provides a unique identity to its people. This article has seen many changes since from the date of its incorporation in the constitution. And according to me the changes made were good. The people of this country have a lot of expectations from this article as this article has been turned into a safeguard against arbitrary legislation. The scope of this Article 21 have been expands over the years through judicial pronouncements over the years.

I humbly accept all the provisions which have been stated in our great Indian Constitution related with this article 21. But the main purpose of writing this paper is to show that whether these provisions are really implemented or lawfully followed by the legislators and executives. When I first read about my rights, I was very much happy and proud that the great framers of our Constitution provided us an immunity and protection against the ill diseases of the state. They never let us realised that we the people are common and the bureaucrats and the leaders governing the state are very special and important. They always tried to show us and assure that the bureaucrats and leaders are for us, there work is to protect us, watch every people from same eye, to punish such people who are against the laws of our country and disturb the peace of our society, to provide equal opportunity to everyone according to the provisions stated by the constitution.

     

But when I see the situations around me I feel at that moment that all the provisions and laws are only for name. There is still a huge gap between a VIP and a common person. The reality is that we are not equal. The Article 14 of Indian Constitution that states, equality before the law and equal protection of law, are not equal for all in our country as I feel. If there is equality then why it happens that a person having MBA degree or B.Tech degree or Phd. are applying for the posts of peons and why such people who don’t have any good grades and eligible qualifications have occupied very responsible and important chairs. Why it happens that the Police have to struggle months to catch a murderer or any criminal but when a VIP’s dog is lost then it is being traced within hours. The common prisoners’ in jail have to wait years and years to get out from jail on parole only for few days, but when a Film Star or any other big VIP is in jail they easily gets parole of even one month. Is it equality? If yes, then honestly speaking I don’t need the immunity of Article 14.

    

I would not blame the guardian of the Indian Constitution i.e. the Supreme Court because it had taken all the necessary precautions to safeguard the rights of the people of India.  In the famous case of A.K. Gopalan v. State of Madras, (1950) SCR 88, the Apex Court held that protection under Article 21 is available only against arbitrary executive action and not against arbitrary legislative action. In the same case the Apex Court held that personal liberty would only mean liberty relating to the person or body of the individual.

However, in the landmark case of Maneka Gandhi v. U.O.I, AIR 1978 SC 597, The Apex Court overruled its judgment in the Gopalan Case by widely interpreting Article 21. It stated that the protection under Article 21 should be available not only against arbitrary executive action but also against arbitrary legislative action. It pronounced the expression ‘Personal Liberty’ in Article 21 is of the widest amplitude and it covers a wide range of rights that go to constitute the personal liberties of man.

      

We have a right to move freely in any place which is lawful and not restricted by law. But many times I have seen that all the shops, schools and colleges are forcibly closed by the political supporters of different political parties. Generally we used to see “Dharna and Band” where the supporters on the order of their leaders used to completely stops everything because of which we the common people have to face many difficulties. We are not allowed to move freely at that time only because of the supporters of the legislators.

There is a part of Article 21 i.e. Article 21A, which was inserted in the constitution by the Eighty-sixth Amendment Act, 2002. This Article provides that-

“The state shall provide free and compulsory education to all children of the age of six to fourteen years in such manner as the state may by law, determine.” 

This Article also states that the child should not be restricted only to free and compulsory education, but it should be extended to have quality education without discrimination on the ground of child’s economic, social and cultural background.

But it seems that the situation is quite different. The education system in India especially government sponsored institutions are in a pathetic condition. The reality is that there is school buildings in rural areas no doubt about this, but there is no teacher in that schools to teach the students. There is no systematic education system in rural areas where there is the maximum number of children between the age group of 6-14 who are entitled for free education under Article 21A. The quality of teachers in such elementary and primary schools is so poor that the teachers are required to be getting admitted again in schools. The quality of education in such areas are very much poor. The main reasons behind this are poverty, lack of good teachers, and lack of proper infrastructure facilities etc.

The main motive of writing this paper is not to count the drawbacks of the fundamental rights but to show that the dreams which the great framers of our constitution seen for the people of India has been completely reversed.

Reference:- Lawyers Club Of India

Contributed by Satyam Mishra